


Sometimes I'm Thinking That I Love You

by voodoogypsyeyes



Series: Soulless Train [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Dean Winchester, Bottom Dean Winchester/Top Sam Winchester, Dark Sam Winchester, Drugged Dean Winchester, Episode: s06e09 Clap Your Hands If You Believe, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Soulless Sam Winchester, Top Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 12:02:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17724812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voodoogypsyeyes/pseuds/voodoogypsyeyes
Summary: If you lose your heart, do you still feel phantom emotions? A study in soullessness.





	Sometimes I'm Thinking That I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Supernatural or its characters. I got some other stuff though.

It had started to become a problem when Sam had rescued Dean from the suburbs. A problem the likes of which Sam had never dealt with, a problem that was becoming increasingly impossible to ignore.

The problem was Dean, and the things Sam wanted to do to him.

He guessed that maybe it had started even before he'd rescued Dean, when he had watched Dean through the window at night. Watched Dean kissing Lisa. Watched them do more than kiss.

Sam had stared at his brother's lips slick and swollen from being kissed, stared at his brother's body as the clothes were ripped away from it, and Sam's cock had stirred at the sight. And then he paid a woman to let him fuck her and call her Dean while he did it.

But that was nothing he couldn't handle. He went about his business as usual, the prostitutes being a part of that. They didn't try to be anything more to him than sex. He didn't want anything more than sex and hunting.

Then Dean had come back into his life... and he'd seen the two things he desired merge into one.

He hadn't really been expecting that. He hadn't expected to want Dean to stay with him. But Dean had hugged him... pressed that body Sam had been admiring up against him... Dean's eyes had locked with his, Dean's voice had spoken his name, and Sam wanted more of it. Which was weird, usually his desire for someone stopped at sex, but with Dean, it went beyond that.

So he fed Dean some guilt over "endangering" Lisa and Ben by staying with them. Dean still refused to come with him. Sam masked his frustration (something he found himself doing a lot from that point on), and decided to try just telling Dean he wanted him around. That didn't work either.

The woman Sam fucked that night left his motel room bruised and shaking.

When Sam found the shapeshifter baby, he'd smiled. Dean wouldn't be able to resist this time. A hunt. A child for Dean to protect. He'd called, and of course, Dean had come to him.

And Dean was all his again.

It took a lot of effort to not stare at Dean with outright hunger. It took a lot of effort to act like the old Sam. The old Sam who acted like he didn't want to fuck Dean. But the new Sam was strong and capable, the new Sam had no issues with what he wanted, and the new Sam... the new Sam would get what he wanted.

So he played the part of Good Ol' Sam, pretended to care about the things he was supposed to care about, pretended to care about Dean. And he let his eyes linger on Dean's a little bit longer than the old Sam would have. He looked for any excuse to touch Dean. Subtle, a hand on his shoulder, on his back, on his knee, with Sam's best attempt at an affectionate smile. Dean just looked at him like he was insane. Sam was more sane than he'd ever been.

Sam did all he could to show off his powerfully muscled body. He was very aware of the effect his body had on people, and he was very aware of the effect his body had on Dean too. He caught Dean's eyes roving over him before they jumped away nervously. As he worked out in front of Dean, he let out grunts of exertion that verged on sex noises, and when he felt Dean's eyes attaching themselves to his body again, he caught them with his own. He smiled and winked, a gesture that could be teasing but was most definitely not a tease. Dean didn't return the smile or the wink.

He started pushing it further. He would look for opportunities to be close to Dean without all the clothes on, press shirtless against Dean's back as Dean showed him information on the case they were working, brush up against Dean coming out of the shower. Dean would only flinch away from him.

Sam's dick desperately needed attention that Dean wasn't giving it.

Sam started jacking off in his bed at night, letting Dean hear him fuck his hand and groan. And all Sam got from Dean was a "do that shit in the shower you sick fuck."

"I went to Hell for you," muttered Sam, "so I'll jack off wherever I fucking want to." A lie, because Sam hadn't been to Hell really, but a serviceable lie with the kind of guilt Dean ate right up and sure enough, Dean shut his mouth.

Next time, Sam stared at Dean while he did it. Groaned right over at Dean. Dean stared back with both disgust and fear before turning away and holding his pillow over his ears.

Soon after that, they met with the goddess of truth. Dean asked Sam why he'd let Dean get turned into a vampire, and for a moment Sam expected the truth to come out of him and Dean to consequently run away from him, but Sam was able to throw together some bullshit about freezing in shock at the sight of Dean getting attacked. He made an attempt at puppy-dog eyes and gave Dean the good old I-got-your-back, for good measure, and Dean seemed placated. Sam figured that Dean must have not actually been affected with the truth-telling virus or whatever it was.

Then they found out why Sam had been able to lie. He had no soul. No emotions holding back truths inside him, he was simply a body with a brain full of memories but no meaning. Something Sam had known but just hadn't put words to.

At least Dean wasn't running away. Ah, how Dean loved his Sammy. Sam had known that Dean wouldn't kill him, hadn't been too worried about Dean holding that knife up to him, but he supposed it was time to acknowledge that he wasn't the same old Sam. Maybe this could be good. He wasn't the same old Sam, no, and maybe Dean could see that as a good thing.

They could have a different relationship now. A better one.

" _When a man's an empty kettle, he should be on his mettle, and yet I'm torn apaaart_ ," Sam crooned at his brother from where he laid on his back on his motel bed, his feet up on the headboard and his head hanging off the end. Dean frowned from where he sat at the room's table. " _Just because I'm presumin', that I could be kinda human if I only had a heaaaart_." Sam placed his hands over his chest and pumped as though there was a heart underneath.

"What fresh new hell is this," asked Dean as he stared at Sam, who grinned at him.

"Don't act like you've never seen Wizard of Oz, I remember us watching it together," replied Sam, sitting cross-legged on the bed. "And I remember you singing along with it."

"I don't think so," grumbled Dean, chugging his beer.

Sam unfolded his legs and walked over to sit beside Dean at the table. "Alright then, tough guy," he murmured with a smile. His eyes danced over Dean's face. "I just... I wanted to thank you, for sticking around. I know this isn't easy, I know how weird it is, and it just means a lot to me that you're here."

Complete lie. There was no meaning in anything anymore for Sam, but he knew that Dean would fall for this, even when Dean knew that Sam's soul was gone. Dean wanted those words to have meaning, and so they would for Dean. And Sam saw what he wanted ever more within his reach.

Dean gave him a soft smile. Success. Time to take it further.

Sam let his hand rest on Dean's thigh, squeezing gently, keeping his eyes on Dean's. Dean stared bewildered between Sam's hand and his face. Dean tore away from the table to sit on his bed, looking angry and scared and not looking at Sam.

Sam watched him for a second, eyes narrowed and tongue licking at the inside of his cheek. Then he got up and sat beside Dean.

"I know I don't have a soul and that scares you," whispered Sam. "But this doesn't have to be such a bad thing, you know. Maybe it could be really good for us."

Dean gave him a deeply incredulous look.

"Those things that we let hold us back... they're not holding me back anymore," said Sam, truthfully for a change. He slid his hand up under the back of Dean's shirt to take Dean's waist in a loose grip. Sam's cock jumped at the feeling of his skin connecting with Dean's, he felt Dean shudder under his hand, and he leaned in towards Dean's neck.

"I think it's time you stopped letting yourself be held back too," Sam murmured as he nuzzled Dean's neck, pulling Dean closer to him.

Yet again, Dean tore himself away, and this time he hit Sam with a death glare as he stood in front of him.

"Listen, I'm willing to work with you here to get your soul back, and that's all. I don't wanna talk to you, I don't really wanna be around you, and I definitely do not want to fuck you."

Sam's eye twitched but otherwise he held back his frustration.

"So just... handle that boner however you gotta, as long as it doesn't involve me, and I'll stay and help you get your soul. We got a deal?"

Sam gazed absently at Dean's knees. "Yes."

"Good," said Dean with a sigh. "I'm going out... somewhere that isn't here... you feel free to do the same. I'll be back."

Sam listened to the motel room's door close behind Dean. He looked down at the spot Dean had been sitting in, brushed his hand over it. Rubbed his other hand over the tented front of his pants. Got up to find his phone and dialed the number of an escort service.

He slammed the woman they sent him hard into Dean's bed, over and over until she screamed for him to stop. She ran out of the motel room without taking his money.

Sam buried his face in Dean's mattress, pretended it was Dean and fucked it hard, spraying it with come.

What the hell was it about Dean that made Sam want him so much? He didn't understand. If it was anyone else in the world, Sam would have just moved on.

Why couldn't he move on from Dean?

He growled into Dean's pillow, confused, frustrated. This needed to end.

Dean got back in the early morning, too drunk to care as he collapsed onto the bed his brother had covered with jizz. He cared about it when he woke up though; cursed and threw the sheets at Sam, who couldn't help laughing.

Who had an idea now of how to get what he wanted from Dean.

Dean got abducted by apparent aliens, and that made Sam's plan even more viable. He brought the alien groupie chick back to the motel room for good measure, figuring that would piss Dean off enough to distract him and also figuring that at least it was a guarantee he'd get laid even if his plan didn't work.

Dean, of course, took the bait, raging at Sam for screwing the alien groupie while Dean had been gone (Sam smiled inwardly at what seemed an awful lot like jealousy to him).

Sam grabbed the bottle of whiskey, pouring Dean a drink, insisting Dean drink it, under the guise of concern. Dean still wanted to believe that Sam felt concern for him. Sam was inclined to let him. Sam poured Dean another drink, playing the caring brother.

Sam couldn't help putting his hand on Dean's knee briefly as he encouraged Dean to tell him what happened. He took his hand away when Dean started to glare at him. No worries. That was nothing, the hand on his knee. Sam had so much more planned.

"You should take a shower," suggested Sam, holding back an eager smile when Dean agreed and headed into the bathroom.

Sam headed for his bag and fished out a tiny bottle, pouring a few drops into Dean's whiskey glass. He grabbed himself a beer from the fridge as he waited for Dean to finish in the bathroom.

Dean came back out and sat at the table with his whiskey, giving Sam more details of his alien encounter as he drank, Sam ever eager to refill his glass. Sam told Dean about finding the alien groupie camp and Dean laughed a little at the idea of it.

Dean started getting giggly and unsteady. His eyes and his hands began to wander over Sam, he started to fall from his chair, and Sam pulled him over to the bed, sitting them both on the edge.

"Dean, are you okay," asked Sam with fake concern, knowing the answer to his question. Dean's response was still important though. It would inform Sam's next move.

Dean responded by pulling Sam into a kiss. Or some kind of lazy meeting of mouths anyway, not really much of a kiss. But it was the response Sam was looking for, so he slid his fingers into Dean's hair and kissed him deep.

God, those lips felt even better than they looked. Sam moaned as he held Dean's mouth against his and devoured him.

Dean muttered something that could have been Sam's name or any number of other words. Sam pulled off of his mouth.

"Say my name," Sam demanded, licking Dean's saliva off his lips.

Dean tried to focus his eyes on Sam but couldn't, giving up and closing them as he breathed Sam's name. Sam grinned triumphantly and pushed Dean down onto the bed as he started kissing Dean's neck. He was careful not to make any marks that he'd have to explain to Dean later.

He pulled off Dean's jacket and both of their shirts, kissing and licking across Dean's chest, sucking at Dean's nipples. He laid a path of deep kisses down Dean's stomach, then opened Dean's pants and pulled them down along with his underwear.

He slid his hands hungrily up the inside of Dean's legs and pushed them apart. His dick ached in his pants, and he gave it a reassuring squeeze. Soon.

He leaned down and licked at Dean's cock, smiling as it twitched under his tongue. He'd never done this to anyone before. He wasn't sure why he wanted to do it to Dean, but he liked that Dean responded to it, so he kept going, licking all over Dean's length until it stood erect. Dean was moaning sleepily, but he hadn't passed out yet.

Sam got off the bed and grabbed lube and a condom from his bag. He really wished he could do this without a condom but he knew jizzing in Dean's ass would ruin everything. He took his pants and underwear off before climbing back onto the bed.

He lubed his fingers and started to pry his brother open with them. First a fingertip pressing into him, carefully gauging Dean's reaction before the finger slid inside. The finger moved in and out and then a second finger started to join it. Dean jolted a little but made no further protest, and Sam started to thrust the two fingers into him.

Sam kept going until three of his fingers were sliding easily in and out of Dean and his dick was aching to replace them, huge and throbbing and dribbling precome. Sam rolled the condom on, lubed himself and touched the tip to Dean's stretched opening, just pressing himself there for a moment and groaning softly in anticipation.

He gripped Dean's thighs as he started to push inside. Dean's body jolted again and Dean cried out softly, trying to push away but only managing to arch himself up off the bed. Sam's cock twitched at the sight. He leaned down to kiss Dean's body as it bowed off the bed, sucking lightly at Dean's skin, running his hand up under Dean's back to hold him in that position as he continued to press into Dean's glorious tight heat.

When he was halfway inside he started to thrust in and out. He wished he could be rougher but didn't want to hurt Dean too much so he kept his thrusts as gentle as he could. For now anyway, while Dean was adjusting to Sam inside of him.

He let out a low moan when he eventually got his cock fully inside of Dean.

"So perfectly tight," he moaned down at Dean and slid his hand up Dean's prone body. "See what we've been missing out on all this time?"

Dean made a noise of discomfort and tried to roll away. Sam pinned his hips down.

"You act like you don't want it," Sam murmured, "but I know you do. You want me every bit as much as I want you. Won't let me go even now... I'm not letting you go either, Dean."

He pulled out and shoved back in, groaning as Dean let out a loud cry.

He fucked Dean deeper, harder, faster, gripped Dean's hips and watched Dean's body quiver with each thrust, listened to Dean gasping and sobbing for him, leaned down to let his own gasps spill over the warmth of Dean's skin.

Sam's balls began to draw up closer to his body, the familiar tingle of release began to creep through him, he bucked harder into Dean, and then he threw his head back and cried out Dean's name as he came hard inside of him. He thrust into Dean several more times, pressing his face into Dean's chest, breathing him in, panting hard, before pulling out and laying breathless beside Dean.

When Sam had caught his breath, he sat up and looked down at Dean's body. Dean had lost his erection but Sam had expected that. Dean looked fantastic, skin sweaty and flushed from their fucking. Lips swollen and slick from Sam's kisses. Sam leaned down to kiss them one last time, biting gently at Dean's bottom lip. Dean whimpered quietly.

Sam got up and went into the bathroom, tossing the condom and cleaning himself up. He brought a washcloth out to clean Dean up as well, cleaning away whatever evidence he could of what he'd done to Dean and then putting Dean back into his clothes. Sam put the lube back into his bag, rinsed off Dean's whiskey glass, got his pajamas on and got into bed. Pretending to sleep. Stroking his dick as he remembered what the inside of Dean's body had felt like. Like he was meant to be there...

When Dean woke up, Sam was turned on his side facing away from him, reading a book. He could feel Dean's eyes on his back. He smiled to himself.

Dean eased himself slowly into a sitting position, still staring at Sam's back. Sam turned his head back to look at Dean, feigning concern once more.

"Hey! Feeling any better?"

"Sammy, what the hell happened last night?" Dean didn't seem angry. Afraid maybe. Definitely distressed.

"What... what do you mean, you don't remember?"

Dean's face said he did not.

Sam sat up to face him. "Well, you got abducted by aliens, I guess."

Dean's eyes widened, and then slowly they lowered to look between Dean's spread thighs. Sam just watched him silently for a moment.

"Uh... Dean...?"

"I got... abducted... by aliens?"

"Yeah, dude, you came back here, burst in on me and that alien hippie girl and said you were abducted. You drank and then you passed out." Inarguable truth, leaving out a few crucial details. Sam's face and voice conveying appropriate worry.

"Sam..."

Sam held the worry on his face as he gazed at his brother, who continued to stare down between his legs.

"Sam, I think they did something to me."

"What do you..." and then Sam let his own eyes go wide with comprehension and a bit of feigned horror.

"Dean... did they... they didn't..."

Dean drew in a shuddering breath. "They fucking probed me, Sammy."

Sam arranged his face into an expression of deeper horror and concern, saying nothing. Letting Dean tell himself this. Letting Dean tell himself Sam's lie. Hiding his pleasure at how well his plan was working.

Finally Sam spoke, softly, fearfully. "Dean..."

Dean's eyes closed with shame.

"I need a shower," he rasped, standing just as slowly as he had sat himself up, his legs bowed out much more than usual. He turned and walked awkwardly to the bathroom without saying anything more. Sam grinned wide at the door after it was closed.

Sam went out for a run and when he came back Dean gave him fresh hell for getting laid while Dean was gone. Dean still seemed shaken but determined to not show it.

They got breakfast at a local bar and Sam purposefully hit on their waitress, even though he didn't really want her. It was just for show. He'd act like he hadn't gotten enough from the girl last night, like he still needed to fuck someone. Dean got angry, of course. Berated Sam, called him a sex robot. Ever with a hint of jealousy. But underneath it Sam could tell that Dean wasn't leaving his side, and that was all that mattered.

All that mattered to Sam was that Dean was his. It was something he was willing to lie for, to fight for, to do absolutely anything for... as mysterious and problematic as the concept remained to him.


End file.
